So, I am still ill. I hadn’t anticipated that. Not just with the Chronic Fatigue (Ha! ‘Just’!) but the hideous cough that’s been progressing over the past few weeks… so severe now that I think I have cracked at least one rib, in fact whenever I cough, blow my nose and (heaven forbid) sneeze, I feel that both my sides are breaking open. It would be easier to bear if the cough had passed but it hasn’t and when I breathe sometimes it sounds like there is a creaking door inside me. It’s breaking up (oh lovely disgusting-ness) but trying to cough the necessary stuff up (ew) is rather agonising, so I have to ration it as best I can – although sometimes I don’t have much choice in the matter, this girl’s gotta cough, injured ribs and all.
I feel like a broken record, especially when people ask ‘ are you better yet?’. Er, no. Or ‘are you getting better?’ – to be honest most of the time I’ve felt like I have been getting worse, or that something else has come along to balance out the betterness with more worseness. I’ve not been to any Holy Week services and Easter Day is dependent on how I feel that morning. Standing, mingling, lasting the whole service without sounding like I am trying to hack up a lung seems a challenge and right now doesn’t seem a terribly appealing one.
So how do I engage with Good Friday, today? I’m not sure I do, to be honest. I feel too exhausted to think or feel much, except to acknowledge in myself that today is what it is. I was supposed to lead a service this morning but finally, two days ago, realised I was never going to be well enough, and frankly since my left side only ‘went’ yesterday I am in more pain now than I was at the beginning of the week.
Why tell you this? I don’t have much else to talk about. I could wish that somehow I have used this time of prolonged illness in some quiet, restful seeking of a deeper spirituality but the truth is I have no motivation for it. I can only hope that bodily health – or at least, as close as I come to it, returns soon. As for my spiritual and emotional ‘selves’ they are just worn out and fed up! But I have come to a certain degree of acceptance, taking one day at a time.
To be ill like this brooks no argument, there is not much I can do about it or war against it.
As for bright, sparkling blog posts, well…
Don’t worry; I don’t feel excessively gloomy. I just continue to ride it out. I saw my parents this week which cheered me up and managed to play a little bit with my new camera (a bridge camera, my combined birthday and Christmas present!). I have done a lot of sitting on the bed or sofa, aware only of the soft silence around me (except for my occasionally squeaky breathing) and it is not unpleasant; in some ways it feels nourishing.
I don’t think I am alone. There are a lot of nasty viruses going round. Some of us have just had a double or triple whammy!
I have to remember: this too shall pass; while at the same time accepting that it hasn’t passed yet.
It may be